Funny Matrimonial Ads

Life without a laugh is like cold without a cough. ha,ha! Just kidding, but have a look some hilarious lines how different men from differnt professions say when they are looking for a wife.....

* FISHERMAN

Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.


* SALESMAN

Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and a successful carrer!


* ECONOMIST

I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.


* MATHEMATICIAN

Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.


* IT CONSULTANT

Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency.


* POLITICIAN

I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society................. (etc
etc and never getting to the point)


* CAR DEALER

Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.


* FARMER

Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.


* LAWYER

I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any
objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.


* PILOT

Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!


* BANKER

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.


* ACCOUNTANT

Required a girl - 5'8' & 34' 24' 36' with a good head for figures. She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.


* BUILDER

Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the groundup.


* DOCTOR

I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.


* ARMY COMMANDO

My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass, She who dares wins.


* RACE CAR DRIVER

A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!


* ASTRONAUT

I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!

*courtesy by: http://www.funtoosh.com/

New Windows messages for Microsoft Windows XP!

BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

User Error: Replace user.

Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

*courtesy by: http://www.funtoosh.com/

Good Old Days

Grandpa Aaron was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular...

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!

The Grandson said sadly ..."You can't DO that any more...they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look......"

*courtesy by: http://www.funtoosh.com/

Bad Hearing

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.

Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf idiot.

*courtesy by: http://www.funtoosh.com/

A Random Joke

Saddam Hussain approached God and asked him, "When will peace return to my country?"

God answered, "You can never see peace in your country during your lifetime."
Saddam wept bitterly and walked away.

Nawaz Sharif approached God and asked,"When can I see a united Pakistan with Kashmir?"

God said,"You can never annex Kashmir during your life time." Sharif wept and walked away.

Laloo Prasad approached God and asked, "When will Bihar become a civilised state?"

God wept bitterly and said,"I can never see that happening during my life time."

*courtesy by: http://www.funtoosh.com

Bob and Larry

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no ... Now my wife will kill me!

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit. I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me - he had one too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah ... I almost fergot. He shhhit in my pants, too.

courtesy by: http://www.funtoosh.com/

THE KISS

A young soldier and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young man and the young woman are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks." Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer is sitting there, thinking, "I didn't know the young soldier was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young soldier sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He though to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"

-end-
-author unknown-

*Photo by: http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:VK8A6qVfmMBo2M:http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o64/thealice/kiss_lips.jpg

HERE WE GO AGAIN

An 85-year-old man marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night, they should have separate suites.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock of the door she is expecting.

Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes, there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more.

Once again, they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow, the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"

-end-
-author unknown-

Chewing Gum

A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so he starts a conversation.

He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?"

"Mais oui! of course!," responds the Frenchman.

"Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France."

"And what about steaks?" he continues, "Do you eat all parts of them?"

"Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman.

"You don't say!" says the American, grinning. "We don't! We only eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little steaks we sell in France."

Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, "And what do Americans do with their used condoms?"

"Hey, we throw them away of course," says the American.

"Ha!" exclaims the Frenchman. "We collect them in containers, take them to a factory and put through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell in America!"

-end-
-author unknown-

*Photo by: http://www.esanda.com/common/images/homepage/bubbleGum.jpg

Between Two Angels

There stood in a garden a child sweet and fair,
Watching some fruit that hang ripening there.
Two anxious angels were watching from above,
One gazing in hatred, the other in love;

The child never dreamed that the angels were there.
He just longed for the fruit so rich and so rare.
How I should like that big apple so red,
But I cannot forget what my dear mother said,
That doing the things forbidden to do
Would make me unhappy and grieve her heart, too.

"Take it," the dark angel whispered, "and eat it.
It is not very often you get such a treat.
There is no one to see you and no one to tell."
So up went a hand, it could reach the fruit well.

Again there's a whisper...sweet, gentle and low.
"You know you're dear mother told you though no one is nigh,
But Jesus can see you from heaven on high."

But the child paused a moment and said as he smiled,
"I'll not be a thief; I'll be a good child."

The rustling sound stirred the soft summer air.
One angel was gone, but the other was still there.
The angel of darkness had taken its flight.
The child was alone with the angel of light.

In this little story, we plainly can see
An everyday lesson for you and me.
We can conquer temptations - the angel of night,
If we listen to conscience - the angel of light!

-end-
-author unknown-

*Photo by: http://i132.photobucket.com/albums/q32/jessey_820/_angels_.jpg

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM

two travelling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. the family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. instead, the angels were given a small space in the cold basement. as they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. when the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."

the next night, the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. after sharing what little food they had, the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they have a good night's rest. when the sun came up the next morning, the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. the younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel, "how could you have let this happen? the first man had everything, yet you helped him," she accused. "the second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die."

"things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "when we stayed in the basement of the mansion, i noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, i sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it. then last night as we slept in the farmer's bed, the angel of death came for his wife. i gave him the cow instead. things aren't always what they seem."

sometimes, that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. if you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. you might not know it until some time later.

-end-
-author unknown-