KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

Out of the mouths of:
KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

WIRIMU (age 7): "The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know."

KYLIE (age 8): "Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more."

KELLY (age 6): "This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles."

JAMES (age 7): "My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mum."

GINA (age 9): "If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all around you, you are incontinent."

-copied from "grapevine" magazine issue 4 2011
all rights reserved for grapevine

stupidity

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
---------------------------------
*One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least:

Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'


Sadly, they walk among us!

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.

Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed...... On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

-author unknown-

Disclaimer: I am not the author of this one, I do not claim rights for this article. If you are the author, then the credits are for you, not me. Cheers.

The Boxes

I have in my hands two boxes which God gave me.
He said, "Put your sorrows in the black box and all your joys in the gold."
I obeyed, and in the boxes, both my sorrows and joys I stored.
The gold became heavier, but the black as light as ever.
When I opened the black box, it had a hole at the bottom.
I asked God where my sorrows went, and God said it was all with Him.
I asked God why the box had a hole and He said, "My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings, the black is for you to let go."

-author unknown-

Action

Massilon, French bishop and gifted orator, used to say, "I don't want people leaving my church saying, 'What a wonderful sermon - what a wonderful preacher!' I want them to go out saying, 'I will do something'."

-from the book "More Anecdotes of the Great" by J. Maurus

Absent-Mindedness

Louis Pasteur was dining at home with his friends. When his table companions were about to eat the grapes served for dessert, Pasteur stopped them saying, "There is nothing so dangerous as eating grapes without washing them first," and he rinsed his grapes in a glass of water.

He then expatiated on all the bacilli and microbes that may be found in a cluster of grapes. Everyone listened raptly, but suddenly the spell was broken by a general burst of laughter. The scientist had unconsciously picked up a glass of water in which he had drowned so many germs and taken one long swallow. Pasteur was not the last to laugh at his absent-mindedness.

-from the book "More Anecdotes of the Great" by J. Maurus

Ability

Errol Garner, jazz pianist, could not read or write music. Yet he commanded the respect of musical authorities and the enthusiasm of millions of listeners.

A magazine writer once asked him. "How is it you can make such wonderful music without being able to read a note?"

Garner shrugged, "A beaver don't have to go to engineering school to build a dam."

-from the book, "More Anecdotes of the Great" by J. Maurus

Religious Nuts

Two pandits from the local mandir were standing by the side of the road, putting a sign into the ground that reads:

"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve, they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

One pandit turns to other and asks,

"Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

-courtesy of www.funtoosh.com

Enthusiasm

When William Garrison was fighting against slavery, his friend Samuel May said to him, "Friend, do try to keep more cool; why are you all on fire?"

Garrison replied, "Brother May, I have need to be all on fire, for I have mountains of ice about me to melt."

-from the book, "More Anecdotes of the Great" by J.Maurus

The Three Letter Agencies

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton.

The function that Pinkerton established actually was the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA. Now comes a proposal for another agency: The "Airport Security Service."

Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs?

courtesy by www.funtoosh.com

US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times, gave her services on credit.

The prostitute runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

courtesy by www.funtoosh.com

A Very Simple Operation

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”


courtesy by www.funtoosh.com

The Deadly Sneeze

Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.

"Who was that!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.

"I see," he said, "I will have 10 of you shot. And maybe then you will tell me who sneezed?"

A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.

"I will ask again," yelled Hitler, "who sneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.

"Very well," he said, "I will have another 10 of you shot!"

The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.

"For the very last time," screamed Hitler, "Who sneezed?"

Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It was me, I am the one who sneezed."

Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "God Bless you."

courtesy by www.funtoosh.com

Arrested for Laughing

This is from an actual trial in the UK, A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing, She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed!

courtesy by www.funtoosh.com

CAR names

Who said car names don't have meaning?

BMW: Brings Me Women.

FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD: For Only Rough Drivers.

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive....

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always.

GOLF/GTI: Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside

HONDA: Hanged Over, Now Driving Away.

courtesy by www.funtoosh.com

A Forgiving Heart

Lisa sat on the floor of her old room, staring at the box that lay in front of her. It was an old shoe box that she had decorated to become a memory box many years before. Stickers and penciled flowers covered the top and sides. Its edges were worn, the corners of the lid taped so as to keep their shape. It had been three years since Lisa last opened the box. A sudden move to Boston had kept her from packing it. But now that she was back home, she took the time to look again at the memories. Fingering the corners of the box and stroking its cover, Lisa pictured in her mind what was inside. There was a photo of the family trip to the Grand Canyon, a note from her friend telling her that Nick Bicotti liked her, and the Indian arrowhead she had found while on her senior class trip. One by one, she remembered the items in the box, lingering over the sweetest, until she came to the last and only painful memory. She knew what it looked like--a single sheet of paper upon which lines had been drawn to form boxes, 490 of them to be exact. And each box contained a check mark, one for each time.

********
"How many times must I forgive my brother?" the disciple Peter had asked Jesus. "Seven times?"

Lisa's Sunday school teacher had read Jesus' surprise answer to the class. "Seventy times seven." Lisa had leaned over to her brother Brent as the teacher continued reading. "How many times is that?" she whispered. Brent, though two years younger, was smarter than she was. "Four hundred and ninety," Brent wrote on the corner of his Sunday school paper.

Lisa saw the message, nodded, and sat back in her chair. She watched her brother as the lesson continued. He was small for his age, with narrow shoulders and short arms. His glasses were too large for his face, and his hair always matted in swirls. He bordered on being a nerd, but his incredible skills at everything, especially music, made him popular with his classmates. Brent had learned to play the piano at age four, the clarinet at age seven, and had just begun to play the oboe. His music teachers said he'd be a famous musician someday. There was only one thing at which Lisa was better than Brent--basketball. They played it almost every afternoon after school. Brent could have refused to play, but he knew that it was Lisa's only joy in the midst of her struggles to get C's and D's at school.

Lisa's attention came back to her Sunday school teacher as the woman finished the lesson and closed with prayer. That same Sunday afternoon found brother and sister playing basketball in the driveway. It was then that the counting had begun. Brent was guarding Lisa as she dribbled toward the basket. He had tried to bat the ball away, got his face near her elbow, and took a shot on the chin. "Ow!" he cried out and turned away. Lisa saw her opening and drove to the basket, making an easy lay-up. She gloated over her success but stopped when she saw Brent. "You okay?" she asked. Brent shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry," Lisa said. "Really. It was a cheap shot."

"It's all right. I forgive you," he said.
A thin smile then formed on his face. "Just 489 more times though."
"Whaddaya mean?" Lisa asked.

"You know . . . what we learned in Sunday school today. You're supposed to forgive someone 490 times. I just forgave you, so now you have 489 left," he kidded. The two of them laughed at the thought of keeping track of every time Lisa had done something to Brent. They were sure she had gone past 490 long ago. The rain interrupted their game, and the two moved indoors. "Wanna play Battleship?" Lisa asked. Brent agreed, and they were soon on the floor of the living room with their game boards in front of them. Each took turns calling out a letter and number combination, hoping to hit each other's ships. Lisa knew she was in trouble as the game went on. Brent had only lost one ship out of five. Lisa had lost three. Desperate to win, she found herself leaning over the edge of Brent's barrier ever so slightly. She was thus able to see where Brent had placed two of his ships. She quickly evened the score.

Pleased, Lisa searched once more for the location of the last two ships. She peered over the barrier again, but this time Brent caught her in the act. "Hey, you're cheating!" He stared at her in disbelief.. Lisa's face turned red. Her lips quivered. "I'm sorry," she said, staring at the carpet. There was not much Brent could say. He knew Lisa sometimes did things like this. He felt sorry that Lisa found so few things she could do well. It was wrong for her to cheat, but he knew the temptation was hard for her.

"Okay, I forgive you," Brent said. Then he added with a small laugh, "I guess it's down to 488 now, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess so." She returned his kindness with a weak smile and added, "Thanks for being my brother, Brent."

Brent's forgiving spirit gripped Lisa, and she wanted him to know how sorry she was. It was that evening that she made the chart with the 490 boxes. She showed it to him before he went to bed. "We can keep track of every time I mess up and you forgive me," she said. "See, I'll put a check in each box--like this." She placed two marks in the upper left-hand boxes. "These are for today."
Brent raised his hands to protest. "You don't need to keep--"
"Yes I do!" Lisa interrupted. "You're always forgiving me, and I want to keep track. Just let me do this!" She went back to her room and tacked the chart to her bulletin board.

There were many opportunities to fill in the chart in the years that followed. She once told the kids at school that Brent talked in his sleep and called out Rhonda Hill's name, even though it wasn't true. The teasing caused Brent days and days of misery. When she realized how cruel she had been, Lisa apologized sincerely. That night she marked box number 96.. Forgiveness number 211 came in the tenth grade when Lisa failed to bring home Brent's English book. Brent had stayed home sick that day and had asked her to bring it so he could study for a quiz. She forgot and he got a C. Number 393 was for lost keys . . . 418 for the extra bleach she put in the washer which ruined his favorite polo shirt . . . 449, the dent she put in his car when she had borrowed it. There was a small ceremony when Lisa checked number 490. She used a gold pen for the check mark, had Brent sign the chart, and then placed it in her memory box.

"I guess that's the end," Lisa said. "No more screw-ups from me anymore!" Brent just laughed.
"Yeah, right." Number 491 was just another one of Lisa's careless mistakes, but its hurt lasted a lifetime. Brent had become all that his music teachers said he would. Few could play the oboe better than he could. In his fourth year at the best music school in the United States, he received the opportunity of a lifetime--a chance to try out for New York City's great orchestra.

The tryout would be held sometime during the following two weeks. It would have been the fulfillment of Brent's young dreams. But he never got the chance to tryout. Brent had been out when the call about the tryout came to the house. Lisa was the only one home and on her way out the door, eager to get to work on time when the call came.

"Two-thirty on the tenth," the secretary said on the phone.
Lisa did not have a pen, but she told herself that she could remember it. "Got it. Thanks." I can remember that, she thought. But she did not.

It was a week later at the dinner table when Lisa realized her mistake.
"So, Brent," his mom asked him, "When do you try out?"
"Don't know yet. They're supposed to call."
Lisa froze in her seat."Oh, no!" she blurted out loud. "What's today's date? Quick!"
"It's the twelfth," her dad answered. "Why?"

A terrible pain ripped through Lisa's heart. She buried her face in her hands, crying. "Lisa, what's the matter?" her mother asked. Through sobs Lisa explained what had happened. "It was two days ago . .. the tryout . . . two-thirty . . . the call came . . . last week." Brent sat back in his chair, not believing Lisa.

"Is this one of your jokes, sis?" he asked, though he could tell her misery was real. She shook her head, still unable to look at him. "Then I really missed it?"
She nodded. Brent ran out of the kitchen without a word. He did not come out of his room the rest of the evening. Lisa tried once to knock on the door, but she could not face him. She went to her room where she cried bitterly. Suddenly she knew what she had to do. She had ruined Brent's life. He could never forgive her for that. She had failed her family, and there was nothing to do but to leave home. Lisa packed her pickup truck in the middle of the night and left a note behind, telling her folks she'd be all right. She began writing a note to Brent, but her words sounded empty to her. "Nothing I say could make a difference anyway," she thought.

Two days later she got a job as a waitress in Boston. She found an apartment not too far from the restaurant. Her parents tried many times to reach her, but Lisa ignored their letters. "It's too late," she wrote them once, "I've ruined Brent's life, and I'm not coming back." Lisa did not think she would ever see home again. But one day in the restaurant where she worked she saw a face she knew. "Lisa!" said Mrs. Nelson, looking up from her plate. "What a surprise." The woman was a friend of Lisa's family from back home. "I was so sorry to hear about your brother," Mrs. Nelson said softly. "Such a terrible accident. But we can be thankful that he died quickly. He didn't suffer." Lisa stared at the woman in shock.

"Wh-hat?" she finally stammered.
It couldn't be! Her brother? Dead? The woman quickly saw that Lisa did not know about the accident. She told the girl the sad story of the speeding car, the rush to the hospital, the doctors working over Brent. But all they could do was not enough to save him. Lisa returned home that afternoon.
********
Now she found herself in her room thinking about her brother as she held the small box that containing some of her memories of him. Sadly, she opened the box and peered inside. It was as she remembered, except for one item--Brent's chart. It was not there. In its place, at the bottom of the box, was an envelope. Her hands shook as she tore it open and removed a letter.

The first page read:

Dear Lisa,

It was you who kept count, not me. But if you're stubborn enough to keep count, use the new chart I've made for you.

Love,
Brent


Lisa turned to the second page where she found a chart just like the one she had made as a child, but on this one the lines were drawn with perfect precision. And unlike the chart she had kept, there was but one checkmark in the upper left-hand corner. Written in red felt tip pen over the entire page were the words: "Number 491. Forgiven, forever."

God's Love Story

This is an excerpt of an article from sambuhay the Year 19 No. 45 issue on February 26, 2006. It was the 8th Sunday in Ordinary Time. The article was written by Fr. James H. Kroeger, M.M.

On those rough moments when I felt so down because a loved one left me, so confused and bewildered as to why such things happened, so rejected despite all the love and care that I offered, I suddenly stumbled upon this article, which I hung on until now, which surprisingly, saved me from eternal mourning of the loss. It helped me survive such a bitter ordeal in life and eventually showed me the way. God's Words have been spoken.

***It began...
...The Bible is an exceedingly rich book containing a wide panorama of literary pieces through which God's inspired Word is communicated. Look closely and you will find history, prophecy, prayers, poetry, and yes, even love stories! In fact, the entire Bible is a record of God's great love story with humanity.

Today's First Reading is from the prophet Hosea, one of the twelve so-called minor prophets of the Old Testament. They are "minor" simply because their messages are comparatively short. Hosea is also called the "Prophet of Tenderness" because he expresses God's abiding love for his people using the symbolism of marriage, the relationship between a husband and his wife.

Who is this man Hosea? What happens in his life that leads him to see that God/Yahweh deeply loves his people? Why does Hosea choose to describe God's closeness, intimacy, and tenderness for the Chosen People using the marital relationship?

Hosea's writings may have been rooted in his own unfortunate marriage to Gomer, a personal tragedy that profoundly shapes his message. He experiences deep pain in his married life - a story of broken love and infidelity.

Gomer betrays Hosea's love. She bears him three children, but she is unfaithful. Hosea divorces her but finds that his love is too great to permit a final separation. And so he strives to win her back, to allure and court her again. Hosea cannot shun his wife forever even when she plays the harlot!

Imagine the pain that this sensitive and emotional man feels. He loves Gomer despite what she has done. From his experience, Hosea has prophetic insight into God's love for the People of Israel: God loves his people as a husband loves his spouse.

What happens next? Hosea describes how God begins the courtship all over again: he will "speak to her heart"; he "will lead her into the desert," a symbol of their "first love" (2:16-17). Hosea [God] will forgive the infidelity of Gomer [Israel] - if only she will humbly return to him.

Hosea transfers to Yahweh his own emotional conflict. He presents Yahweh as moved by two conflicting emotions: the sentiment of justice, which moves him to punish Israel by irreparable destruction, and his love of Israel as passionate as the love of a man for a woman.

Yahweh's tenderness and forgiveness emerge. He admits: "My heart is overwhelmed, my pity is stirred" (11:8) He declares: "I will espouse you to me forever...in love and mercy; I will espouse you in fidelity and you shall know the Lord" (2:21-22).

Are you moved by this love story? I hope so! Such is God's tender love for us sinners (see Rom 5:8). Yes, he may chastise us for our wrongdoing, but it is the chastisement of the jealous lover who longs to bring back the beloved to the fresh and pure joy of their first love.

Such is our God, truly a God of love! Such is Christ and his love for the Church! God is always ready to forgive while a man may seek revenge or repayment. In the words of the song "Hosea," God says: "Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life." Yes, "the Lord is kind and merciful" (Ps 103)...***

There are still a couple of paragraphs after that which talks about the coming of Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent.

At some points, we may have been Gomer who wronged others badly and needed chastisement and forgiveness. We might find it difficult and may not be able to expect others to forgive us nor forgive our own very selves. But sometimes, we could be Hosea, full of love and compassion and understanding, but was betrayed and rejected. Would we find it even more difficult to follow what Hosea did? Or shall we succumb to our humanly nature for self-preservation and listen to our pride's nagging not to reconsider? What if we became Gomer and Hosea decided not to forgive?

Fortunately, that did not happen. God's love ruled on everything and we should pay Him forward.

MBA and the fisherman!

American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied only a little while, The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.

"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.

The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"

"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Then the Mexican Fisherman says: THEN WHAT AM I DOING NOW?

-end-

courtesy by: www.funtoosh.com

The New Hospital Wing

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised against rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all labouring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted, the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologist didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some butt hole in Administration.

-end-
-courtesy of www.funtoosh.com-

Women-oh- Women

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get Ten times of that The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most
beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the
world and he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack!!"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you, Stop
here and continue feeling good.....

Male readers: Continue

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and is still reading this, it only goes to
show that women never listen!!! that is why you read it even after
our advise to stop!

-end-
-courtesy by www.funtoosh.com-