Out of the mouths of:
KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS
WIRIMU (age 7): "The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know."
KYLIE (age 8): "Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more."
KELLY (age 6): "This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles."
JAMES (age 7): "My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mum."
GINA (age 9): "If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all around you, you are incontinent."
-copied from "grapevine" magazine issue 4 2011
all rights reserved for grapevine
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
stupidity
They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
---------------------------------
*One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Sadly, they walk among us!
Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
You can't fix stupid.
----------------------------
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
---------------------------------
*One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Sadly, they walk among us!
Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
You can't fix stupid.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Life Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed...... On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
-author unknown-
Disclaimer: I am not the author of this one, I do not claim rights for this article. If you are the author, then the credits are for you, not me. Cheers.
And God agreed...... On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
-author unknown-
Disclaimer: I am not the author of this one, I do not claim rights for this article. If you are the author, then the credits are for you, not me. Cheers.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The Boxes
I have in my hands two boxes which God gave me.
He said, "Put your sorrows in the black box and all your joys in the gold."
I obeyed, and in the boxes, both my sorrows and joys I stored.
The gold became heavier, but the black as light as ever.
When I opened the black box, it had a hole at the bottom.
I asked God where my sorrows went, and God said it was all with Him.
I asked God why the box had a hole and He said, "My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings, the black is for you to let go."
-author unknown-
He said, "Put your sorrows in the black box and all your joys in the gold."
I obeyed, and in the boxes, both my sorrows and joys I stored.
The gold became heavier, but the black as light as ever.
When I opened the black box, it had a hole at the bottom.
I asked God where my sorrows went, and God said it was all with Him.
I asked God why the box had a hole and He said, "My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings, the black is for you to let go."
-author unknown-
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Action
Massilon, French bishop and gifted orator, used to say, "I don't want people leaving my church saying, 'What a wonderful sermon - what a wonderful preacher!' I want them to go out saying, 'I will do something'."
-from the book "More Anecdotes of the Great" by J. Maurus
-from the book "More Anecdotes of the Great" by J. Maurus
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Absent-Mindedness
Louis Pasteur was dining at home with his friends. When his table companions were about to eat the grapes served for dessert, Pasteur stopped them saying, "There is nothing so dangerous as eating grapes without washing them first," and he rinsed his grapes in a glass of water.
He then expatiated on all the bacilli and microbes that may be found in a cluster of grapes. Everyone listened raptly, but suddenly the spell was broken by a general burst of laughter. The scientist had unconsciously picked up a glass of water in which he had drowned so many germs and taken one long swallow. Pasteur was not the last to laugh at his absent-mindedness.
-from the book "More Anecdotes of the Great" by J. Maurus
He then expatiated on all the bacilli and microbes that may be found in a cluster of grapes. Everyone listened raptly, but suddenly the spell was broken by a general burst of laughter. The scientist had unconsciously picked up a glass of water in which he had drowned so many germs and taken one long swallow. Pasteur was not the last to laugh at his absent-mindedness.
-from the book "More Anecdotes of the Great" by J. Maurus
Ability
Errol Garner, jazz pianist, could not read or write music. Yet he commanded the respect of musical authorities and the enthusiasm of millions of listeners.
A magazine writer once asked him. "How is it you can make such wonderful music without being able to read a note?"
Garner shrugged, "A beaver don't have to go to engineering school to build a dam."
-from the book, "More Anecdotes of the Great" by J. Maurus
A magazine writer once asked him. "How is it you can make such wonderful music without being able to read a note?"
Garner shrugged, "A beaver don't have to go to engineering school to build a dam."
-from the book, "More Anecdotes of the Great" by J. Maurus
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